Buy Luxy Blues

If the Dodgers promote Gavin Lux, will that put them over the Lux cap? I said, will that put them over the…*looks up* Lux cap? Wow, no balloons dropped from my ceiling for that gorgeous pun. “Hello, is the balloons-in-the-ceiling salesman that came out to my house? Yes…I said, what I thought at least, was a grade A pun and I expected balloons to fall from the ceiling. Well, I was talking about the Dodgers promoting Gavin Lux. Yes, they said they will in September. Will he play? My guess is sure, why not? At least some days. They’ve got the division wrapped up and I see no reason why they won’t play him. Why do we care?  Haha, Mr. Balloons-in-the-ceiling Salesman, we care because he’s hitting .400 in Triple-A. Shoot, Ted Williams’ frozen head is on the other line. Hold on one second….Yes, Frozen Ted Head? Lux is hitting for power too — 13 HRs. Also, he’s got some light speed. Yes, I’m excited. He could be *the* September call-up, but he’s hitting over-.400 just in the minors, so you don’t need to be stunting on your .400 batting average claim. Yes, you too, and say hello to Jack Dawson, Walt Disney and the vault where they make astronaut ice cream…Okay, Mr. Balloons-in-the-ceiling Salesman? Hello? Are you there?” Hmm, he hung up on me. Any hoo! Stash Gavin Lux now. He’s arriving soon, and the Dodgers can afford to play him. It’s a…*looks up at ceiling* Lux-ury they have. Damn, these things never fall. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Phegley – If you need a hot-hitting catcher, most of them dried up this week, but there’s one guy still providing some value that also passes for an adverb for mucus.

Mike Ford – While you’re out there, sipping your Lee Ia-cocoa and celebrating your birthday by dressing up a Ford Fiesta with party streamers, remember one thing, none of this has anything to do with Mike Ford. He has been hot recently, and I imagine that lasts until some other random Yankee starts hitting like Babe Ruth Jr.

Ryan O’Hearn – When looking at the 7-day Player Rater, O’Hearn’s name pops out as being under 10% owned and having three homers in that time. One thing the Royals have always produced is top-flight 1st basemen like Tony Graffanino, who is now a pilot for Delta.

Mark Canha – As Nina Simone would’ve sang:

Can’t you see it
Can’t you feel it
Homers all in the air
I can’t stand the pressure much longer
Canha is my prayer
Giancarlo’s gotten me so upset
Machado’s made me lose my rest
And everybody knows about Benintendi goddamn!

Jonathan Schoop – I’m just excited that I’ll be able to draft Schoop next year, then regret it almost immediately. Schoop is the gift that keeps giving regret. But not this week.

Jon Berti – He feels like a throwback to a simpler time like back almost 12 to 16 months ago, when middle infidels all stole 20 bags and didn’t make you beg for steals *coughs* Trea *coughs* Damn, Trea Turner’s given me whooping cough.

Jason Kipnis – He’s been hot for a while, but I’m hoping in the near-future, maybe as soon as next week, something magical will happen. Uh-oh, I feel myself channeling Taylor Swift, “I will forget that you existed. It isn’t love or hate, it’s just Jason Kipnis. I’m sorry, Jason Kipnis, it’s just indifference!”

Tommy Edman – It’s all just a blur, I forgot that you existed! Sorry, Taylor Swift’s shizz is catchy, and I don’t care who knows it. Might’ve told this story on the podcast at one point, but I saw her once in Whole Foods. Well, first I saw a security guard talking into his shirt sleeve like he was Secret Service, and I thought Michelle Obama was in the store, then I realized I was standing next to a 6-foot lanky (unattractive, I’m sorry) girl and it was Taylor Swift checking out the organic peanut butters. Any hoo!  Edman’s been hitting well for average and (very) light power and speed.

Colin MoranHittertron has a Duboner for Moran this weekend, like it gets aroused every time it sees a Price Is Right model lovingly showcasing a toaster.

Ryan McMahon – Here’s a perfect example of ESPN’s ownership numbers being goofy. In RCLs, McMahon is owned in 97% of leagues. Bit surprised that’s not 100%, tee bee aitch. On ESPN, he’s listed as 29.6%. By the by, how hilarious is it that they go one decimal point in when their numbers are complete garbage? It’s like, “I paid $17.02 for that,” after you bought a Popeye’s chicken sandwich on the black market and paid $75. $17.02 seems more accurate, but it’s a totally made-up number.

J.D. Davis – “Welcome to the Hall of Name Names. Here we have a bust of Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and over there you’ll see, Honey Boo Boo. Here’s our newest addition, Jonathan Davis Davis.”  A child walks up, tugging on his mother’s sleeve, “Yo-Yo Ma.”  “Not now, Jimmy, you’ll get your yo-yo when we leave this fascinating Hall of Name Names.”

Seth Brown – Just gave you my Seth Brown fantasy.  It was written while wrapping my arms around you after you fell from your metaphorical perch.

Harrison Bader – The Cardinals manufacture players who are much better IRL than IFL, which I guess is good for them since they are competing IRL. With all those acronyms dropped like a 14-year-old, Bader does have some fantasy value vs. real life, which is why I worry he’ll never catch on with the Cards.

Kyle Tucker – Just gave you my Kyle Tucker fantasy. It was thisclose to being declared illegal in the 48 contiguous states.

Danny Duffy – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to everyone with the last name, Friend.

Tyler Beede – Sunday was a tough day for finding streamers, and I don’t love Beede, but this is also barely a Streamonator call. “I just need a friend, and it’s semantics we don’t know each other.”  Streamonator so sad!

Ryne Stanek – The Marlins are on pace for 1 save over the course of a month, so Stanek could be a solid pickup if that pace completely, 100%, unequivocally changes. Also, there’s been some talk Jose Urena could see saves in September, or I should say, he could see a half-save.

Matt Magill – I grabbed Magill in one league where I was trying to impress a Canadian with my degree in SAGNOF (then I dropped Magill when I realized it was McGill and the M’s might have no save chances).

Jairo Diaz – Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad SAGNOF this week. There might be better options in some leagues, but I can only tell you to pick up Melancon, Hudson, Lugo, Bradley and Pagan so many times, before I start to take the hint you don’t want them.

SELL

David Fletcher – I loved, loved, lurved David Fletcher in the preseason, but I went to the 30-day Player Rater and found Fletcher after Rougned Odor, which, brucely, stinks. Fletcher doesn’t just sound like a polite term for someone who vomits, he is vomit.

Dee Gordon – Don’t feel bad, Fletcher, Flash Gordon is doing even worse.  Fun fact!  Flash Fletcher was briefly a fad in Japan where a group of strangers would get together and vomit.

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