The Cardinals pulled Dakota Hudson 111 pitches, 6 2/3 IP, into his no-hitter, which is a smart move. He was gassed and they had thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening, Gallegos (Gallegos), Gallegos (Gallegos), Gallegos Figaro magnifico! The Cardinals don’t make dumb moves. They even make smart moves about which teams to hack. The Ghost of Dave Duncan makes something out of nothing with every Cards starter (don’t look at Wacha). It’s without can. Ya know, uncanny. David Duncan’s leftover notes jotted on a loose-leaf spiral notebook are better than Ray Searage. Don’t at me; it’s true. Put him in the Hall of Fame before he really is a ghost. You look at Hudson’s numbers — 7 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 5.10 FIP — and you shudder they’re so bad. Yet — again with stank — YET! he has a 3.63 ERA and he no-hit the Brewers last night for almost seven innings. Dave Duncan, man! He’s the best ghoster. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, hitting .246. Colonel Mustard in a 50-year-old virgin’s bedroom with a stack of Playboys!
Corey Kluber – Went back to Cleveland to undergo testing. Hope he gets Drew Carey, he’s an easy grader. *intern whispers in ear* Oh, he went back for tests on his abdomen. Carey’s tough on the stomach. Sadly, Kluber was shut down for two weeks and is likely done for the regular season.
Adalberto Mondesi – Will begin a rehab assignment on Tuesday. Or as Ric Flair would say, “Woooooooooo!” That puts Mondesi about a week away.
Nicky Lopez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Also, Nick Dini (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 1st homer, and they went back-to-back. It was Little Nicky Night at Camden Yards as all fans in attendance told their pitchers to go to hell.
John Means – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. This guy was a popular ask in the comments over the last few days. I looked at the Streamonator for him and it didn’t like him, and I don’t like him, so I couldn’t figure out the allure. What does it all Means?
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games because everyone on the Nats homered on Sunday and Monday. Adam Eaton (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 11th, and 2nd in two games, and should absolutely owned and Trea Turner (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 13th homer and refuses to steal bases. I don’t want to tell him to bunt because we know what that led to, but get a seeing-eye single and steal two bags for ya boi!
Brian Dozier – Out on paternity leave. Should be back in a few days, but, if he has a daughter and his wife suggests the name, Juanita Soto, he might be out longer. “He has great on base skills, Brian! I’m sorry!” While Dozier’s out, Asdrubal might have some short-term value and he homered last night, because everyone homered on the Nats.
Juan Soto – 4-for-4, 4 runs, hitting .293. No homer? Sexy Dr. Pepper, your disappointment knows no bounds!
Billy Hamilton – Claimed by the Braves. Snitker’s thought bubble: We need to teach Acuña a lesson. Who can we get who hustles and does nothing else? Someone who plays without abandon and lacks all talent? I know!
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Random scumbum middle infidels have 20 homers like en bee dee.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.06 vs. Eric Lauer – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.47. Bauer vs. Lauer sounds like a court case against The Today Show, if they had a female employee named Bauer.
Francisco Mejia – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .277. I’m already excited about drafting (stealing) Mejia after pick 220 overall next year and having him be a top three catcher. And it takes a lot for me to get excited about a catcher.
Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.46. Why are the Tigers throwing him? Is he a tax write-off? “How are we going to pay for Miggy this year?” “Haven’t you heard of the Edwin Jackson tax break? Put a solar panel on his back and you get $1 million tax credit for every inning.”
Carlos Correa – Left with back issues. JFC, put this guy in a bubble. “How many breathe spouts you want?” That’s Jeimer Frank Candelario thinking I’m talking to him.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .205. He should go as Rouggla Gyodorko. To celebrate power and crap average 2nd basemen.
Nomar Mazara – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. A thinking man would say finally Willie Calhoun will start every game. A thinking man thinking about how screwed up the Rangers are would say Calhoun still won’t start.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (1). He stole the base when the opposing allowed him to get a 89-foot lead.
Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I was able to pick him up in my shallowest league, so I’m guessing he’s there for some of youse. When Upton gets hot, he goes off-the-charts schmotato. He has two homers in the past week and feels on the precipice of one of his insane runs.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .320. He’s slowed a bit in the 2nd half–Oh, gee tee eff outta here slowed! He has 26 homers and a .320 average! Don’t be greedy!
Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45. You’ll shoot your ratio’s eyes out with all those BBs. Sucks I had to bench him in my weekly leagues, due to his 2nd start of the week, and now I’m rooting for him to get hit hard, sorry.
Carson Kelly – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer, which, ya know, is whatever until you realize he only has 251 ABs. Gonna be hilarious next year when MLB changes the balls back to normal and you’re expecting 35 homers from Carson Kelly in a full season and get four homers.
Tyler Glasnow – Close to game speed, which is such garbage. The Rays should be ashamed of themselves. Glasnow’s going to return mid-September, have something happen to his forearm and miss all of 2020.
Brendan McKay – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.55, and four more unearned runs. Holy ticker shock! I called 1-800-Life-Alert when I saw McKay gave up seven runs. Thankfully, those were unearned. Also, you get a semi-free pass to drop him without him blowing completely up in your face. *sees his 5.55 ERA* Okay, blows up in your face any more.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer since he broke his hand. Obviously, if he wants to hit two homers every game, he should break his other hand. It’s kind of inconsiderate he hasn’t already.
Austin Nola – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer in three games and I feel icky admitting this, but I picked up Tehol’s ace pitcher, Austin Nola, before yesterday’s game and now I’m not sure when I’m dropping him. Can this continue? He had only seven homers in Triple-A, but using Gio Urshela as a guide, yes, Nola can hit 30 homers in a month. More likely, he doesn’t get to ten homers total and hits .240. Then again: juiced balls.
Tom Murphy – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. I’m over here diddling myself with Jorge Alfaro on teams and Murphy’s doing what I expected for five years while he was not played by the Rockies.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Yes, I left the note on the break fridge that read, ‘Kevin’s Beef Strokin’ Off,’ because I thought that was how it was spelled.”
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .296. After the game, Polanco, inspired by Cruz’s return, said, “Dude, Cruz’s got no hand tendons, least I can do is homer.”
Kyle Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. The one time this schmohawk actually goes five-plus innings and it’s to give up more runs! Kyle Gibson purposely waits for seemingly perfect matchups just to utterly destroy your self-worth. Yo, Gibson, you want my address so you can come kick my dog? (It’s a ruse because I’ve been training Ted for years, just in case we ever ran into Gibson, he will rip him apart. He will eat your guts, you bastard!)
Chris Sale – Received a platelet-rich plasma injection in his elbow, and Dr. James Andrews said Sale doesn’t need Tommy John surgery, and the charade of Sale being seriously injured takes a hit. Sale should just stay on the IL and stop playing charades to avoid further injury.
A.J. Puk – Called up by the A’s. He’s one of the A’s top prospects, which doesn’t check out when you look at his 4.91 ERA in Triple-A. But does check out when you see his 13 K/9, 2.5 BB/9. But doesn’t check out again when you look at his 5.54 FIP. But does check out again when you see how few innings he has. But doesn’t check out again when you realize he just returned from Tommy John surgery and hasn’t pitched more than two innings in any game this year. *shakes fist at heavens* What does it all mean?! Voice from above, “Don’t worry about it, he’ll work out of the bullpen, and is useless for this year.” God, is that you? “No, I’m your upstairs neighbor who’s an A’s fan.” Ah…