Jo-Ram Has A Bro-Ham

America’s greatest Indian was Sitting Bull. Maybe Pocahontas. Possibly Bob Feller. I’d accept Apu even. But on the list of great Indians, Jose Ramirez and the service he provided this year does not go unnoticed because I am here noticing it. First, he did awful to make me look like a genius for telling you to avoid him in drafts, then he did well after I told you to buy him in June. Jo-Ram did what others thought impossible:  made me look brilliant. Stop throwing roses at my feet, I’m allergic. Now, Jo-Ram’s gone for the year with a hamate bone injury. If he’s anything like Matt Olson, he’ll return in October and hit 35 homers in ten games. Glory be. He’s droppable in redraft leagues though, and Yu Chang will replace him. He was David Bowie’s favorite player. Time may Chang Yu, but Yu can’t Chang time. Prospect Mike just gave you a Yu Chang fantasy, and I didn’t run out to grab him, but, in deep enough leagues, I could see it. Prospect Mike did mention Aristides Aquino in relation to Chang, and I had to Chang my underwear. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Franmil Reyes – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer, and three homers in last two games. It’s not rare, it’s well-done, that $54 Vending Machine Steak.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Gonna blow your mind right now but Soler is the sun and the sun is a star. Can’t argue with that.

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and two HRs (8, 9). Indians tied up the game with some $54 VMS theatrics, but then a cricket player–excuse me, a players’ weekend white jersey labeled rut-R.O.H. solved that mystery.

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Ian Kennedy – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.75. Kennedy ended up the escape goat like it was LBJ giving him credit for the space program.

Jhoulys Chacin – Designated for assignment, i.e., Jhoulys is not retractable.

David Peralta – Hit the IL with AC inflammation. Ugh, the worse is when your AC only blows hot air.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Having a hard time getting my security deposit back on my place, my mom’s being a real jerk.”

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Christian Walker – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .264. As a less-than-proud owner of Walker, I can tell you he’s hasn’t been hot recently. Mansplainingly, I’m not sure he’s been hot since May.

Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-5 and his 29th homer, and has 101 RBIs (ha!). Escobar usually needs a bit more than Miller to get him the high life, but you take what you can get.

Trevor Bauer – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.34. Alexa, please play me the saddest songs in the world.  “Grey, here is Sade’s Smoothest Operator.”  Alexa, I hate you!  Speaking of hate, Trevor Bauer said something earlier this year to the effect that he has less talent than the average major league pitcher. I am starting to believe him.

Josh VanMeter – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (6), hitting .286, and in the leadoff spot, though that seems more tenuous. Depends which way the David Bell tolls.

Kevin Newman – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 12th and 13th steal, hitting .302. Hello, Newman! He hadn’t done much coming into this game, but four-hit games tend to spark a schmotato run.

Addison Russell – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and his first decent game since he was recalled about a week ago and he doesn’t even start every game. His POS eligibility is good if you have a category for a POS.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .225. Schwarber is going to make some team a very productive DH for many, many years, or until he’s 30 years old and falls off a cliff.

Anthony Rendon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .329. All bad takes about Anthony have been Rendon’d obsolete.

Victor Robles – 1-for-6, 1 run and his 22nd and 23rd steal, as he hits 2nd. Hopefully, he falls below 20 HRs and 30 SBs, because that might boost up his 2020 ADP. Seriously, for whatever reason, people get inordinately more excited for a guy who hits 20 HRs vs. 19 or steals 30 vs. 29.

Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .266.  “If you want that train to run on time, I wouldn’t dump Machado’s body in the cement foundation–WAIT! Machado just moved!” This was his 1st home run in August, and was hitting .203 in the month. Lowercase yay!

Joey Lucchesi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11. I have no problem starting Joey Lucchesi of the Penne Vodka Crime Family in any league when he’s home. It’s dem away games, Brosef.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer.  Just Dong because anything else would be uncivilized.

Mark Canha – 2-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd homer, and his 5th homer in the last eight games, hitting over-.400 in the last week and is the hottest schmotato in the schmotato land.

Pablo Sandoval – Will have Tommy John surgery.  Sandoval’s the first known case to damage his elbow by moving a fork from plate to mouth.

Logan Webb – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.66. That was a fun stream. *lies down in gutter of an 8-year-old’s bowling birthday party*

John Means – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Imagine wanting German Marquez on your team, mean’s while Means is wilin’ out with a productive fantasy #3 season.

Anthony Santander – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .286. Anthony Santander be enough for Pamela Anderson Lee, because he big pimpin’. Also, a five-hit game goes a long way to a hot schmotato run, even if he didn’t do much in the last week.

Pablo Lopez – Will return to the Marlins’ rotation on Tuesday. If you’re relying on a guy returning from a shoulder injury, you have bigger grapes in your pants than marbles in your head.

Elieser Hernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.97. I do love me some Marlins starters, even if the results have been a little iffy. By the way, Elieser sounds like what my grandfather calls Ellen DeGeneres.  I hear Donkey Teeth likes Elieser too, possibly for same reason.

Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 4.00, and the Marlins 1st save since Sergio Romo left over a month ago. For those of you who have “1st sentence in a blurb blindness,” the Marlins had one save in the entire month of August. Do you really want to chase saves here?

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Classic Reverse Jinx Sell. You’re welcome, Hoskins owners.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Eflin was a Streamonator call from Friday’s Buy column. So, natch and natch or simply s’natch.

Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.47.  Gonna put on a beige jacket, throw on I Am Sam on the TV and act like Sean Penn in that iconic movie, because I am fanning Dakota. See Means’s blurb for similar feelings:  Holding Marquez like he’s the meow’s cat, and Dakota Hudson out here acting like a number two.

Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .218. Here’s a not-so-fun fact for Carpenter owners. He has 35 RBIs. One less RBI than Aaron Hicks, who has 120 less ABs than Carpenter.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 33rd homer. I’ve managed to isolate the double helix DNA strand that makes me keep buying Rockies pitchers. Now to share it with the world, but first I’ll put it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. He has 14 wins. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Geez, handsome stranger, that seems like a lot of wins.” Yes, Marco Gonzales has an outside chance of leading the major leagues in Wins. That would be hee-larious.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.74. Janice Rossi in 2R is not the only whore. I’m a whore for Dodgers starters. Streamonator doesn’t love Gonsolin’s next start, but I could see it, as long as he makes it.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Sell! Kidding. (But not really.) If only trade deadlines didn’t pass already. Kidding. (Still not really kidding.)

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Yankees and Dodgers both hit leadoff homers (Joc Pederson hit his 26th homer). Elias Sports Bureau said it stopped keeping home run records this year, so who knows if that’s happened before.

Domingo German – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Since you’re likely wondering from the Gonzales blurb, Domingo German is leading the majors in wins. Yup, wins are dumb.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. When I drafted Judge, I pictured I’d get 16 homers from him. Dot dot dot. In April.

Edwin DiazMets said Diaz doesn’t need an IL stint for his trapezius. Mr. Read-Between-The-Lines says, “He sucks and they don’t know what to do with him.” Mr. Read-Between-The-Lines doesn’t mince words.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.46. I wanna go back to doing I Am Sam line readings like Sean Penn and fanning Dakota, instead I’m over here with Wheeler.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Give me Matz at home and lose Matz in away games in the trade war with Gina.

Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Dallas Keuchel went into NY and it was an easy off-the-shoulder wrap for DKNY. (What, gotta work some blurbs for the ladies too.)

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 31st and 32nd homer, hitting .265. Balls are juiced up the wazoo when this knee-gimped guy is hitting that many homers. Won’t hear different; I have WebMD; I know everything.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.47. Well, Snafu Boyd showed up again, allowing homers to Schoop and Cron. Can’t be successful like that Snafu.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Happy to say I streamed Perez yesterday, because the Tigers’ lineup looks as ill-advised as the Christmas special, The Island of Misfit Sex Toys.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.14. Sign me up for all the Framber Valdez 2020 sleeper posts. Pour them into my eyeballs! Then, when he’s bumped to the bullpen in late-March of 2020, I will accept your apology, authors of Framber Valdez 2020 sleeper posts. Any hoo!  If he gets another start, Streamonator likes it.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .304. Altuve’s the only player with a negative launch angle on his home runs, because he’s standing on a stepladder.

Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Andrelton is so extra (terrestrial).

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.08, but was forced from the game with dehydration. Before the game, he ate three fruit roll-ups and they sucked all the water out of his stomach. Don’t eat fruit roll-ups without medical supervision. Streamonator is positive for his next start, which seems bizzonkers to me, but there ya go.

Brock Burke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.75, and now 1 ER in 12 major league IP. Burke is a top 10-ish prospect for the Rangers, which means he’s barely a #5 major league starter. He’s now thrown two straight solid games, and this is a fair time to point out that starters, who hitters aren’t familiar with, could be a place to get some sneaky streams in September. Is Burke actually good? No, not particularly.

Kolby Allard – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.64. Something positive from the Rangers that’s under the age of 34? That can’t be. Anchorman, “I don’t believe you.”

Rougned Odor – 0-for-4, hitting .195. Rangers said they’re giving Odor one more chance before benching him indefinitely. Visual Allusion Alert! A 5-year-old enrolls in a University of Phoenix class for woodworking. After taking six months for a one-month course, the now-6-year-old attempts to carve a round peg into a square peg, but cuts the block in half and it still doesn’t fit.

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