Even though I wanted to bet on the Twins to win the World Series and didn’t, I still have to root for them this offseason. With all the bad publicity on baseball, it will be nice to see a team as pure as one led by Polanco, Pineda, Cruz–Wait, has everyone on their team been suspended at one point for PEDs? At least they have Miguel Sano (2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer). Hmm…I remember something with Sano.  Hold on…*googling Sano and suspension* Oh, he just tried to force a smacker on a photographer and broke a police officer’s leg in the Dominican Republic. As Young Grey used to dream about, screw the Twins. Any hoo! Miguel Sano now has the 2nd lowest HR/AB (11.1), only being beat by Mike Trout. If we can get a full season from Sano (no guarantee with him) in 2020, I wouldn’t bet against a 45+ homer season. Mean’s while, his price will be that of what? $5 and/or the 12th round in a 12-teamer? There’s gonna be some crazy value for Sano in 2020. You could say *pinkie to mouth* In-Sano.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 4 runs and his 40th homer, which also happened to be his 400th homer. Reminds me when another Twins great Harmon Killebrew hit his 40th homer and killed a brew 40 times.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.70. You need to be careful about all of the starters in this roundup, because they might be scheduled to start again, but they could be skipped or only go a few innings, especially ones like Berrios, who will need to throw more innings in the playoffs. Of course, check out the Streamonator, but it does not know when pitchers will only be throwing a few innings vs. a full game.

Adalberto Mondesi – Dove for a ball and re-injured his shoulder, which will force him out for the rest of the year. But doves are supposed to be symbols of peace! Stupid white birds! Why don’t you go play for the Celtics?!  Speaking of which (not a clunky segue at all), our fantasy basketball leagues are filling up.

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.48. I will from now on call him Trefor Boober.

Kevin Gausman – Was sent home sick with about half the Reds team. Turns out whatever Trefor Boober has is contagious.

J.D. Davis – 1-for-2 and his 20th homer as he came in for the injured Robinson Cano (x-rays were negative on his toe). Callaway refuses to play Jonathan Davis Davis like he refused to remove Edwin Diaz from the closer job for the 1st five months, so I’m not sure if Davis will play, but he should.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .252. He had one hit in the last nine games, so he might be coming out of his slump, which seems like the uze for Conforto, but looking at his month-to-month splits show a guy who stays fairly consistent. And, no, “fairly” isn’t doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

George Springer – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 36th, 37th and 38th homer, hitting .292. He hit three homers in four innings, as the Astros clinched the AL West. Let’s see what the Astros can do against…uh…Roark? Um…J.A. Happ? Ugh, Yarbrough? Fox Sports playoffs slogan should be, “Well, we suppose anything can happen!”

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53, as he won his 20th game and 2nd Cy Young, unless BBWAA members want to see Kate Upton have a conniption. Then again, I’d pay to see that. Matter of fact, how much? Can I order that on Cameo?

Garrett Richards – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 11.81. It’s actually good he hasn’t hit the ground running, because that would cause another injury.

Max Fried – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Max Fried sounds like a carny superhero, and in what is likely his last full start, he showed he knows his way around batters.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.61. I’m starting Webb this week for his final start of the year (hopefully he makes it). Weeeeeeeeeebb!

Willie Calhoun – 2-for-5 and his 19th and 20th homer, as he bats third. What a jizzoke. Rangers have done everything in their power to hinder Calhoun’s progress, yet, unable to do it, he’s now their three-hole hitter? If I were him, I’d be like, “Eff you, I’m hitting ninth.”

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (13). You know the ball is juiced because Choo hit his career-high 23rd homer, after hitting between 20 and 22 homers for six of his seven years he’s played a full season.

Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Everything in my being is telling me he’s someone to avoid in 2020, except 10.6 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.15 FIP is not.

Jose Ramirez – Will return on Tuesday after having his hamate bone removed on August 26th. Love how the hamate bone is like an appendix for baseball players. Make hamate bone removal surgery mandatory by the time every player shows up at spring training.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Next week I will begin to do my end-of-season recaps — where did the time go? We were younger, and you used to have so much more hair! — but this $54 vending machine steak has 36 homers, and that does not equal a ton of value anymore. Less than $54, I can tell ya that.

Reynaldo Lopez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.57. Tigers hit three homers off Reynaldo, so he’d look up, then drop his head, making him look like a Lopez dispenser of homers.

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .269. Everyone, except Giancarlo has thirty homers, so the wind is out of the “Chicks dig the long ball” sails, but Eloy’s looking a lot better than Vlad Jr., and is going to be wildly underrated again next year. Sorry, not to make this a drag sesh on Vlad Jr., but him and Eloy have essentially the same number of at-bats, same batting average and Vlad’s got 15 less homers. Eloy is being drafted in the 7th round of early 2020 mock drafts; Vlad’s going in the 3rd.

Victor Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (7), hitting .304. Last time he went deep he also stole a bag. Someone’s got a hankering for slam and legses (legii?).

Christian Vazquez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. MLB has already said they won’t de-juice the balls next year, but can you imagine if they did? It would be akin to the mound change in 1969. It would be like, “En bee dee, I’m drafting Vazquez, Mitch Garver and Roberto Perez for my catcher and two utility slots and counting on 75 homers,” then, after de-juiced balls, “Hey, I only ended up with four total homers from three guys, what gives?”

Tyler Glasnow – 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.92, and five months until I draft him for the 1st time in 2020, or 150 days, 3600 hours, 216,00 minutes and 1.4 million things I could be doing when instead I’ll be thinking about drafting Glasnow.

Ryan Yarbrough – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.08. Has an ERA of 8.03 in September, allowing 19 ER in 21 1/3 IP. Can you say “gassed?” If not, you might want to see a speech therapist.

Brendan McKay – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer. Shohei Ohtani who?! He’s an Angels player who pitches and hits. It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. Oh, yeah, people are always going around saying Shohei Ohtani who. Right.

Austin Dean – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer this week, and, in one 15-team league, I searched all available bats for who had the most hits in the last week, and Austin Dean was at the top of the list, so now I own Austin, as I keep it weird.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41 as he pitchslapped Antonio Senzatela. What an athletic specimen Babe Ryuth is.  Babe Ryuth swings a bat and runs the bases like a Korean Bartolo Colon, call him Kimchi-in Colon.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 46th homer, a grand slam, hitting .302. Since no one’s saying anything negative about Bellinger, allow me. He was hitting .331 as late as August 1st.

Sam Hilliard – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He now has four homers in four games, and one of them came as a pinch-hit homer, because Colorado’s all prospblocks, i.e., the Rockies don’t let you get your prospect rocks off.

Eric Thames – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .250. Could be a last-week-of-the-season hot schmotato as the Brewers go to Cincy and Coors, though he won’t get to face that scrub, Trevor Bauer. (This goes for all Brewers. However, they could clinch before Coors and bench guys, because they’ve finally started clicking since they lost that anchor, Yelich.)

Kolten Wong – Diagnosed with a Grade 2 tear of his hamstring. That’s what happens to a hammy when Wong tries to pork too hard.

Miles Mikolas – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.16. No matter what the Streamonator says for Mikolas last start of the year it’s more contingent on whether or not the Cardinals are still fighting for the playoffs (and the Cubs, his opponent).

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Colonel Mustard in the disco with a mirrored ball!

Yu Darvish – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Joe Maddon heard about the job opening in beautiful, classy-as-ever San Diego and decided to leave Darvish in way too long. Also, might be because Kimbrel is a steaming pile of Shawn Chacon.

Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 27th homer. He had 9 HRs on the Tigers. Also, he now has 18 homers in the 2nd half, almost as many homers as he had in 157 games in 2018.

John Means – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Due to the Streamonator, I streamed Means and in the 1st inning, he gave up a leadoff triple and a quick run before one hitter was retired and I started to panic and cry and wet myself, but then I realized I needed to chill because he was just facing the hottest hitter in baseball, the naturally gifted, man-with-an-entire-aisle-at-Home-Depot-dedicated-to-him, Shed Long (2-for-4, 1 run).

Billy McKinney – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .214. With a week left of the season, Jays are starting a .214 hitter at leadoff, and he’s one of the best average hitters in their lineup. Their team average of .236 is the worse in the majors.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.00. You looking at the team in last place in your roto league with Severino in their IL slot without knowing it because they checked out to fantasy football in June, “Is it bad if I message the last place team and tell them to move Severino into their starting lineup?” (I’m okay with it, but it is a dirty trick.)

Brett Gardner – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .254.  He leads the AL in homers in September with nine. See what happens when you focus your energy on the ball and not the dugout ceiling.

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. “Yo, DJ, pump this party! Why waste your time, when you know you’re gonna be mine?” That’s by a group named Bizarre Inc. They also did the song, “Yo, DJ, You’re Gonna Hit For More Power Out Of Coors (What The Hell).”

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